“Life is short. Have an affair.” The now-hacked Ashley Madison slogan seems pitifully out of place considering that 32 million people potentially searching for affairs may now be in very big trouble with their boyfriends, girlfriends, and spouses. Like all of America, I’m shocked, disgusted, and in a “train-wreck-can’t-look-away” way fascinated by computer hackers’ recent online disclosure of account-holders’ information, including addresses, credit card information, and sexual preferences.
CNN Money reports that nearly all Ashley Madison’s customers were men (including many fake accounts set up by scammers). Well, obviously. Women know that crazy like the Ashley Madison website is a house of cards that will eventually fall down. Ashley Madison failed to do the one thing it actually promised to account-holders: provide a safe environment for people to cheat on their significant others. Fail.
You have to wonder who the hackers are, right? What devious nerds out there in cyber land would seek to bring down such a reputable establishment? Here are the Top 10 Potential Ashley Madison Hackers.
- People Who Could Never Get Laid. This is a bitter, nerdy group, y’all. Think Lambda Lambda Lambda (Tri-Lamb) from “Revenge of the Nerds.” No one “liked” their profiles on AM, and they retaliated. All they wanted was a fun night, and pretending to be married on AM made them more mysterious. Now they’re just mad and taking it out on millions of other people. Take that.
- Private Investigators. This would be a genius move. Hack the site, 32 million scorned lovers want confirmation that their significant other is an asshole, and voila! The PI game becomes lucrative again. Look out, Magnum.
- Divorce Attorneys. Yeah, the 50% failure rate of marriages just wasn’t enough. They needed second homes and boats. The potential divorces from a giant Ashley Madison hack would definitely go a long way in funding those exploits.
- Donald Trump. See? He’s a good guy who believes in faithful marriages! Vote for the Donald!
- Some kid at Harvard. You know that the hack of 32 million cheaters happened from an 18-year-old over a 6-pack of craft beer and a conversation that began with, “Dude, you’re not gonna believe this…”
- Chris Hansen, Former Host of “To Catch a Predator.” This guy made his living for 20 years on catching cheating spouses preying upon underage prostitutes on camera. Then, Hansen went and cheated on his wife and was fired from NBC. This hack is definitely part of his community service (and apologies to his ex-wife).
- A Really, Really Pissed Off Woman. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Guess what, cheaters? Even if you weren’t the guy to cheat on this chick, she still wants you punished. Her pain is your fault, she will never trust men again, and neither should any woman in America.
- Hacker/Love Child. This hacker has a particular chip on his shoulder. He/she is the product of a union of infidelity, and that ain’t right, according to this hacker. Maybe mom cheated, maybe dad did, but all in all, AM’s account-holders will be paying for that psycho-therapy. This could make for an awkward Thanksgiving, y’all.
- The Next Infidelity Website Gurus. AM is the first profitable website of its genre, and other copycats are no doubt waiting in the wings to capitalize on AM’s failure.
- Ashley Madison Executives. It’s not beyond the realm of possibility that the AM execs orchestrated this whole thing. They asked for extra fees from account-holders to protect information, and if people weren’t forthcoming with the extra money, well…sorry, man. They warned you. And to make sure it didn’t look like they were extorting more money from you, they just had to go through with it. You’re welcome.
Any conspiracy theories on the hackers behind the Ashley Madison scandal? I’m interested to hear your thoughts!
Dear AM Hackers, I think you are awesome and applaud your actions. Please don’t retaliate against me!