The other day, I received a comically-inappropriate-for-my-stage-of-life magazine in the mail, and I proceeded to match the magazine’s outfits with my daily activities as a stay-at-home mom to three young kids. I laughed it off as a marketing mistake and moved on.
Well, guess what? Another copy of Mercury (not the magazine’s real title) appeared in the mailbox yesterday. After I once again had to pry it from the Hubs’ hands, I just figure that at this point, they’re asking for it.
Back by semi-popular demand, here is yet another installment of “Dear Targeted Marketing People, I Think You’ve Made a Mistake.”
The School Pick-Up Line Tube Top: Each day from 3:05-3:20p.m., the boys and I (and sometimes our 70lb golden retriever) sit in the elementary school pick-up line to pick up my daughter. Most people can only see me from the waist up, but that’s no excuse not to rock a sexy outfit. Enter…the School Pick-Up Line Tube Top. There may be disgusting sweatpants from the waist down, but no one will ever see because they can only view the hottie tube top behind the steering wheel. You’re welcome, car duty teachers!
The Water Skiing/Tubing Swimsuit: Nothing says being appropriately dressed for being dragged behind a ski boat or a pontoon like this deep-V thing that can *voila!* be worn in two equally sexy ways (see picture’s inset). Tugging out that first out-of-the-water-slalom-ski-wedgie won’t be as much of a problem in this hot swimsuit. And if I go flying off the inner tube, this suit is already pretty much awkwardly covering me anyway, so no harm, no foul.
The Walmart Maxi Dress: Y’all, I live in Arkansas, where Walmart originated, and Walmart is pretty much our mall, our Prada, our place to be seen. If you’ve ever seen the People of Walmart website, well, I’m hoping to make that list in an entirely new way. How, you ask? Why not rock an animal print/open back maxi dress in everyone’s favorite buy-anything store? Overdressed because I’m on the way to a super fancy party at 9am on a Tuesday? Nah. This is just how I roll. Can you wear a bra with this?
The Back Yard BBQ Bandana Dress: Our summers are chock full of barbecuing with the neighbors and inviting friends and their kids over for trampoline cage-fighting. This year, instead of using bandanas as napkins, I thought I’d go all out and wear the bandana as a dress! What could be cuter? Please excuse the sauce fingerprints on the dress hem as I yank it down after eating ribs. I could also buy the navy version of this dress and go to my next Halloween party as a Crip. Nice…
The Larry’s Pizza Dress: Larry’s Pizza is an all-you-can-eat pizza buffet in our town, and this dress would fit right in. Larry’s has two main awesome features, the “pizza parade” (servers walk around shouting different flavors of pizza…if you want some, you raise your hand and they pile it on your plate) and the kids’ area (video games, a children’s maze, a ball pit, and tickets traded for cheapo prizes). This dress would go great while raising my hand for mac and cheese pizza, escorting kids to the dessert pizza buffet, and digging them out of the ball pit because it’s time to leave.
The Cul de Sac Cutie Dress: We are lucky to live at the end of a cul de sac with some very cool neighbors. When the weather gets nice, we throw the kids on their bikes, watch them ride around the circle, and sit in lawn chairs drinking beer. It’s very King of the Hill, and the Hubs, the neighbors, and I like to think we’re upping our property value one Miller Lite at a time. This dress would be so perfect for that activity as well as shooting some hoops with my daughter, throwing a football with the neighbors’ boys, and running after my 4yo on his bike with training wheels. The downside? I would have to leave our cat inside because the fringe at the bottom of the dress looks like her cat toys. The upside? The teenagers down the street might actually listen when I yell at them to please refrain from running over my children with their cars.
Finally, good news, everyone. The PTO Jumpsuit also comes in white. It’s not just for PTO meetings anymore. Yes, you can rock this baby on a dog walk around the neighborhood (beware of wind gusts!) or even just sitting around blogging and posing for awkward selfies. Hmmm…this ENTIRELY WHITE OUTFIT may be harder to keep clean though, considering I have THREE SMALL KIDS. Hell, I don’t think I could’ve kept it clean even before kids!
In short, Mercury, I think you’re just precious, but I’m pretty sure we aren’t compatible. We’re just at different stages in our lives. You are in your early-20’s party girl on a Caribbean island phase, and I’m in my mother-of-three-in-Arkansas stage…I think we should break up. Or not. Because I really enjoy inventing scenarios of my life combined with your wardrobe.