The Unholy Roller: An Expose of My Disgusting Mom-Mobile

Last night, I offered to drive two friends to our book club meeting. When I picked up my friend Sarah, I mentioned, “There’s sort of a weird smell in my car. I haven’t been able to find it yet.” This was an understatement…

“Oh, I’m sure it’s not that bad,” she reassured me. However, upon climbing into the shotgun seat, Sarah actually gagged and pulled her shirt over her nose. “Oh. My. God. What IS that, Carrie?!?”

Guiltily, I admitted between fits of snort laughter (because really, what else can you do?) that I had searched, cleaned out, and destroyed all potential evidence that I could find. Yet, the smell remained.

We drove to the next block to pick up our friend Shannon, and Sarah went to the door while I again hunted for whatever was decomposing in the back seat of my SUV.

Shannon jumped in, ready to enjoy the book club ride, and had to roll down her window for fresh air. “Wow, Carrie. It’s kind of a cross between Diaper Genie and spoiled milk, I think?”

The olfactory-challenged ride only last a few minutes, but the smell in my car was an even hotter topic than the book we had all read. In one single night, I may never be the driver for my group of friends again. And to that I say…more drinks for me! Yippee!

Furthermore, like any man who doesn’t drive the kids around full-time, my husband doesn’t understand how my vehicle could possibly look and smell like a rolling paper factory. Of course, he’s a meticulous auto-detailer himself, though he has long since given up on my ride.

 

A Few Reasons My Car Is Disgusting:

 

I let the kids eat in the car. We are late everywhere we go, every single day. If they didn’t eat in the car, they would either starve or we would never make it anywhere.

I don’t clean the car after every moving meal. I have a trash can in the car, but the kids only use it if it’s right under their noses, so usually I find their trash next to the garbage can if it isn’t stuffed into nooks and crannies no human with sense would reach a hand into.

It’s a traveling closet. My kids immediately take off their socks and shoes in the car on the way home. Not in the house, not in their rooms…they leave it all in the car. Add to that extra shorts, t-shirts, and underwear (don’t ask). Do any discarded articles of clothing ever exit the car unless I take them in? Never.

Our dog likes to ride. We have an old golden retriever who rides with her head right between the two front seats. She is the sweetest, hairiest dog imaginable, and she sheds endless blonde fur all over the carpet. She does drool but makes up for it in eating dropped food from the kiddos.

Everyone needs a toy for the ride. Every time we leave the house, the boys bring a toy. I found 479 matchbox cars in my Acadia. Okay, in reality, I found about 40. FORTY!!! The boys also bring stuffed animals, dinosaurs, remote control trucks, puzzles, and the occasional bath toy. My daughter also brings books, and we have her softball equipment rolling around in the way-back.

Coffee. I’m guilty, too. When flying out of the house (late as usual), I always make time for a travel mug of coffee. Sometimes, that coffee spills on me if I take a corner into the elementary school too quickly. Sometimes, it lands on my car. But Mama needs her coffee, y’all.

Sticky fingers. On the windows, the door handles, the seats…every available surface. Apparently my kids believe that the stickier their fingers, the more things they should mark with their handprints.

I wish things were different. I wish I could happily sit all my girlfriends in the back seat and not provide barf bags for them on a road trip. I wish that eating in the car was the exception and not the rule. I wish that my really nice car didn’t double as a closet and toy chest…but this is my life right now.

We are a beautiful, sticky, mobile mess. And I couldn’t love us more, even if I need to roll down the windows for fresh air every once in a while.

And, lest you feel too sorry for me and my mobile nightmare, my local GMC dealership smelled my car from all the way across town and has come to my rescue. Brett Berry of Crain GMC in Conway, Arkansas and a crew of really brave, kind automobile detailers are solving the problem for me. Whatever it is. I probably don’t want to know.

 

Thanks for reading, y’all! Want to meet Brett and the crew at Crain GMC? Give them a call at 877-302-8551 or check out their website at www.crainteamconway.com.